| Too Permeable (Inappropriate) |
Permeable (Appropriate) |
Impermeable (Inappropriate) |
| I overwhelm strangers and first-time acquaintances with intimate details of my life. | I reveal confidences over time as trust is established. |
I never open up to anyone, even to trustworthy people. I’m afraid they’ll learn my “secret.” |
| I find myself regularly overwhelmed at continually trying to meet others’ needs even though my needs go unmet. | I address the needs of others but don’t regularly allow them to disrupt or interrupt the effective management of my life |
I don’t let myself think of others’ needs, even if I’m interested in them. I’ve got enough pain. |
| I fall in love at first sight and repeatedly latch on to strangers as if they were life-long best friends. I want people to love me sooo much! | Since relationships are based on respect, trust and communication, I let these develop before committing to love. | I don’t let myself love anyone. It’s safer to keep them at a distance. After all, you never know who might hurt you. Besides, what do they want from me anyway? |
| I don’t know what is really true so I let others decide for me what is real. | I trust my perceptions and my abilities to determine what is real and how to react. I can also test other people’s reality to see if it’s true. |
I can’t listen to others or be influenced by them. Not only can I not trust them, but I can hardly maintain my facade of having it all together which I use to cover up reality. |
| I let others determine what’s important for me. After all, I don’t want to be rejected. | I make decisions for myself based on my values and God’s will for me. | I can’t make decisions. Even the simplest ones are hard. I don’t want to make a mistake. |
| I can’t take responsibility for myself or follow through. So I depend on others to take care of me. | I take responsibilities for my decisions. If I fail, find out what I did wrong, I ask for forgiveness, the learn what I need to do differently. | I feel excessively guilty when things aren’t absolutely perfect.If I can’t handle the guilt, I blame others for my failures. |
| What’s a boundary? Do I have really have a right to stand up for myself? Well, I never imagined I could do that! | I am wary of people who are overly helpful, who try to make decisions for me, and who don’t respect my time and priority boundaries. | I reject all suggestions and never allow anyone to interfere or assist, even when it might be helpful and appropriate. |
| I’ll sacrifice anything in order to avoid abandonment, isolation and rejection. | Though I am approachable, my biblically-based values are not negotiable. If people reject my for my values, I’m willing to pay that price. | I’ll never do anything for anybody just to please them. People are such a bother and are always messing with my life. |
| I’ll say or do anything to be loved and accepted. I can’t say “No” even if it hurts me. | I give appropriate consideration to requests, weighing the consequences of the request. If I disagree or if it goes beyond what is reasonable, I will decline the request. | Because I am so indecisive, I will try to avoid decisions that make me look foolish. I’ll either 1) isolate myself so as not to make myself available for requests; 2) Be indirect with my “No” (“I’m busy”, etc.). If threatened by the request, I will cut off all possibilities of interaction. If I impulsively make a decision I will later regret, I “escape.” |
* For further reading and insight see Sandra Wilson, Released From Shame (IVP, 1990), p. 136
Thomas F. Fischer
