Checklist For Self-Differentiation–Do You Have A Life?
Checklist for Self-Differentiation q 1. I plan at least one 24 hour period per week for myself when I do not answer the phone, pager, etc. or do any church-related work. q 2. I have at least one very close friend outside the parish, one close friend who is not a Christian, and one group outside the parish that I [...]
Dealing With Dissenters–When To Stand Up
Moderator's Note: This article is from Injoy's e-mail resource for leaders entitled, "Leadership Wired." It has been included in the Ministry Health Homepage simply as an example of this excellent resource and to encourage those interested to subscribe to this resource. As per Injoy's encouragement to freely share this article with friends and others in the ministry, [...]
Grief: The Hardest Thing
Part of being a "seelsorger" certainly has its joys. But it also has its disappointments. Indeed, to be in ministry is to be exposed to tears, heartache, and sometimes seemingly unstoppable tears. Perhaps the hardest part of ministry is the grief and tears of a caring, Christian pastor. Leaving a parish to begin a new pastorate or [...]
When You Lose A Confidant: Working Through The Grief
Confidants. Without them, leaders cannot function to their full potential. Like everything else in our lives and ministry, these valued and irreplaceable relationships are subject to change. Lyle Schaller was right. The church is like a parade which, though continuously moving down the parade route toward its destination, is characterized by a constant flow of people [...]
Thirteen Ways To Recognize The “Adult Child”–In You???
What are some characteristics of adults who have been raised as children in an environment of alcoholism ("Adult Children Of Alcoholics" or "ACOA's")? What are some characteristics of those adults raised in abusive or other dysfunctional settings ("Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families" or "ACDF's")? How can you recognize if you or a member of your family or church are an ACOA/ACDF? Janet Woititz in [...]
A Christian Amidah — A Joyous Affirmation of Faith
God, our ancestors worshiped You. As Abraham and Sarah, Rebecca and Isaac, Rachel, Leah and Jacob stood in awe before you, we, too, reach for You. You are infinite, awesome, transcendent. You are the source of all that lives. We, their distant descendants, draw strength from the way in which their lives were shaped and strengthened [...]
The New Year’s Coming!–Manage Your Ministry More Effectively
Diaries, like fire and water, are wonderful servants but dreadful masters. Given that the day-to-day exercise of the pastoral ministry has such an unknown quantity about it, planning ahead may seem to be an exercise in futility. We frequently complain about shortages of time and the stresses arising from unexpected demands which can throw a day into [...]
The Antagonist’s Greatest Weapon–Perils of Pastoral Over-Function
Believe it or not, the antagonist's greatest weapon may not be their anger, their gossiping, their betrayal, their political ploys, their preparatory-aggressiveness, or any of these sorts of things. Instead, their most effective weapon may be that they violate boundaries--theirs and others. Certainly this boundary violation can come in many forms. Whether it is overt or [...]
Healthy Boundaries And Co-Dependent Extremes–Check Your Boundaries
Too Permeable (Inappropriate) Permeable (Appropriate) Impermeable (Inappropriate) I overwhelm strangers and first-time acquaintances with intimate details of my life. I reveal confidences over time as trust is established. I never open up to anyone, even to trustworthy people. I'm afraid they'll learn my "secret." I find myself regularly overwhelmed at continually trying to meet others' needs even though my needs go unmet. I [...]
Searching In Sorrow—Pastoral Reflections on God’s Leading
Searching in sorrow In my weakness I found The path I had taken Was not at all sound. The road to success The way to great gain Left something inside me That gave me great pain. I'd had thrills and then vict’ries… Success with great grace But deep in my heart I was drowned in disgrace. [...]
First Half–Second Half—Reflections On Bob Buford’s Book, “Half Time”
It's Half Time! In his book, Half Time (Zondervan/Harper-Collins, 1994), Bob Buford, a wealthy media giant and founder of the Leadership Network, shared his personal struggles and the lessons he learned resulting from the discovery his son’s sudden and tragic death in the Rio Grande River. The grief caused him to go into an in-depth reflection on his life. [...]
A Recipe For Antagonism–How It Can Start
How does antagonism start in a congregation? Perhaps there are many explanations. Here one possible recipe. Once pastors know the recipe for creating and enabling an antagonistic environment, perhaps pastors may gain insight on how it started, what perpetuates it, and how to curb it's effect in a congregation. A Recipe For Antagonism First, Start With [...]
What It Really Means To “Let Go”
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else. To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization that I don't control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome [...]
A Football Tao For Pastors–Understand Ministry From A Different Perspective
The head coach and his assistants are always in conversation with the man upstairs. After all, the one upstairs has the best overall perspective of everything. The best quarterbacks can fumble occasionally. When they do, forgive them, encourage them, and put them back in the game. It will build his character and confidence. When you fumble, [...]
Four Types of Antagonistic Manipulators–And How To Deal With Them
One thing all antagonists have in common is a desire to control. Haugk and others who have written about antagonists have gone through great pains to delineate and describe each type of antagonism. Certainly these listings and accompanying descriptions have great value for specific situations. For those who have difficulty remembering the seemingly endless categories of antagonism, let [...]
Ten Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families–Ministry Perspectives For Identifying and Ministering To ACOA/ACDF’s
Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. If you saw dad stagger and fall down the basement steps because he was drunk, you can't tell the truth. instead, reality must be interpreted into an acceptable fantasy. "Daddy wasn't drunk; he simply lost his balance and tripped. Poor Daddy." Application: Even if you see it, it's [...]
Tears Of Trial–A Discussion of The Meaning And Experience Of Christian Suffering
Introduction Why do Christians suffer? The answer to this age old question lies in the pages of God’s Word. Yet, for the Christian, the answer is often difficult to find. Suffering Christians sometimes feel betrayed by their religion which preaches God’s love, which proclaims a God who cares and teaches children songs like "Jesus loves me, this I [...]
What Parenting Taught ME About Leadership — What Have YOU Learned?
Prayer is my best defense and offense. Sometimes it's my only hope. But that's OK. God answers prayer. Parenting proves it! No rules, they rebel; too many rules, they rebel. Have rules anyway but enforce them appropriately. Don't be such a control freak. Relax. Everything's going to be all right. Discipline is always a direct function [...]
Your Strength Is Your Weakness
Remarkable Gifts! One of the most remarkable things about pastors is the diversity of gifts that God has given to us. Though all of us have the same Lord who has called us, the Lord has gifted us each so uniquely and wonderfully. Some of us can preach like Paul, others can cast a vision, others [...]
Pastoral Code Of Conduct
As a called and ordained minister of Jesus Christ, my fundamental duty is to serve, not to be served; to preach the Word of God in both easy and difficult circumstances, to lead the church in the defense against error, to teach the people of God, to minister to the sick and dying, and to do [...]
Settle It In Your Heart–Jesus’ Key For Coping (Luke 21:10)
Feeling unsettled because of conflict, pressure, anxiety, rejection, failure, or frustration? Certainly some sense of being unsettled in such circumstances is normal. After all, if you didn't feel anything you'd either be 1) incorrigibly psychopathic or 2) dead. Since you're neither #1 nor #2, there's hope. Since you're a Christian, there REALLY is even more hope. [...]
Is There A Narcissist In The (Lord’s) House?–A DSM-IV Based Profile of A Antagonistic Personality
If there's one thing the church is known for is a diversity of people and personalities. But it seems that wherever you go and no matter how many churches you've been in or pastored, the same sorts of troublesome personalities always seem to be there. After taking a call to a new congregation or losing a [...]
Failure: Another Perspective, Part I — Ministry Health “Snippets” On Failure (cf. No. 78)
To be unsuccessful is not the same as failing. Leo Buscaglia We gain more wisdom from our failures than from our successes The way to insight and growth is through failure. Failure is final only when you stop trying. Elbert Hubbard Since ignorance produces knowledge, we should be challenged by what we don't know and don't [...]
The Difference Between The “Real Self” And The “False Self” — Looking Beyond Those “Facades”
Adult Children of dysfunctional families often have difficulty letting their "real self" show. Instead, they mask their dysfunctionality and anxiety behind the facade of a "false self." The chart below, based on Charles Whitfield's, Healing The Child Within (Health Communications, 1987), contrast the two selves. Real Self False Self Authentic Masked Genuine Ingenuine facade Spontaneous Plans according to [...]
